In the wake of a surveillance video showing Sean “Diddy” Combs physically assaulting Cassie Ventura in 2016 and his subsequent video apology, a wave a solidarity for Ventura has made its way to social media — but some of the rhetoric that’s circulating is problematic, experts warn.
Ventura addressed her supporters on social media on May 23, writing, “Thank you for all of the love and support from my family, friends, strangers and those I have yet to meet. The outpouring of love has created a place for my younger self to settle and feel safe now, but this is only the beginning. Domestic Violence is THE issue. It broke me down to someone I never thought I would become.”
“Real men don’t hit women,” many people commented following the video release and that conversation continued in Ventura’s comment section. Her husband Alex Fine also wrote “men who hit women aren’t men” in an open letter.
Others echoed a familiar sentiment: “He’s not a man, he’s a little boy.”
Reactions like these are meant to voice support for the victim, which is critical in addressing domestic violence in society. But there’s also a problem with this response: It removes accountability from the act and infantilizes the perpetrators of violence against women.
In fact, statistics show “real men” abuse women all the time.
‘Real men don’t hit women’ and why this phrase isn’t what you think it is
“Masculinity involves the entitlement to use violence,” says Leigh Goodmark, author and law professor at the University of Maryland. “And so to say that ‘real men’ don’t do that is untrue. … real men do use violence all the time.”
According to a 2020 study by the National Coalition of Domestic Violence, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime and approximately 1 in 5 female victims and 1 in 20 male victims need medical care as a result.
Separating “real men” from the general population of males committing domestic violence affects victims of all genders.
“If you say, ‘People shouldn’t hurt people,’ absolutely,” Goodmark says. “But using these outdated binary, really problematic notions that there is a masculinity that we should all be looking for people to adhere to that is based on really outdated tropes is problematic, and we see it most often in the context of domestic violence because it’s such a stark binary.”
Crystal Justice, chief external affairs officer of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline), similarly adds: “Abuse in any form is never OK… While it’s important to condemn this behavior, it is equally important to avoid gendered and racialized stereotypes that fuel stigma and often create additional barriers for people who are planning for their safety. Being a kind and supportive partner is not exceptional — it should be the norm regardless of one’s identity.”
Experts say this rhetoric also removes accountability from male perpetrators and in turn does not create a pathway to rehabilitation.
Goodmark explains, “If we just write him off as ‘he’s not a real man,’ then we’ve also written off our responsibility as a society to help him change in any way. Ultimately for every partner that that person will have, and for society generally, what we need is for that person to stop being violent.”
The phrasing also furthers some of the misconceptions about domestic violence, including that all perpetrators look and behave like “monsters.” One of the most entrenched, said Gillian Pinchevsky, an associate professor of criminal justice in the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, is that domestic violence is only physical. Pinchevsky previously told USA TODAY that in her class, she asks students to draw a picture of “domestic abuse.” The majority draw physical violence, a female victim and a male perpetrator. But statistics show shows domestic violence is much broader and far reaching than many people realize.
Why calling male perpetrators of domestic violence ‘boys’ is problematic
Some people have reduced referring to Combs to a “boy” rather than a “man” for his actions. In addition to Ventura’s lawsuit, which was settled within a day after filing in November, the Bad Boy Records founder is facing multiple lawsuits filed in recent months claiming the music mogul raped or sexually assaulted several alleged victims over the past few decades.
Combs has mostly denied all accusations against him, though he apologized for the violence committed toward Ventura.
Infantilizing male abusers is not only counterproductive to combatting the issue of domestic violence, but also perpetuates the idea that young boys are prone to violence.
“Boys are not inherently violent,” Goodmark says. “Boys learn violence and boys learned violence because they live in a society that teaches them that to be men is to be violent is to fight back.”
What is the appropriate response to domestic violence?
There is no perfect way to respond to victims of domestic violence — in the same way that there aren’t perfect ways to be a victim — but there are tips to better support those impacted by abuse.
It’s time, experts say, for society to stop asking, “why didn’t you leave?” when the questions really should be, “why did you feel you had to stay?”
“We love quick policy fixes. We love more police. We love more prosecutions. And none of that is actually going to stop this problem, and hasn’t,” Goodmark previously told USA TODAY.
One right cause of action is “to say that we condemn anyone’s use of violence against anyone, that the use of violence, no matter what gender it’s done by, and not what gender it’s done against, is wrong, but also to say that we should do something to work with that person to change,” says Goodmark.
Another aspect of positive support is to “center survivors,” says Justice.
“Domestic violence is complex and a public health crisis that we all need to learn more about,” she continues. “For those who have seen recent coverage and are feeling compelled to take action on this issue, we encourage you to learn to a recognize the warning signs of abuse, listen to survivors when they share their experience with you, offer help to survivors when it’s safe to do so, and volunteer or donate to your local hotline or shelter to ensure services are available to survivors when they need it.”
Contributing: Taijuan Moorman, Brendan Morrow, Alia E. Dastagir
If you are a victim of domestic violence, The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) allows you to speak confidentially with trained advocates online or by the phone, which they recommend for those who think their online activity is being monitored by their abuser (800-799-7233). They can help survivors develop a plan to achieve safety for themselves and their children.